• had my hoohoo upgraded and learned a lot about saggy bladders.
• got email from my Welsh author boyfriend, Terry Darlington.
• drove to the pool and back 78 times.
• had some cool chicks over for dinner (her and her and her and her and her and her).
• this one and her four shorties stayed for a while and brought bread - hey, she left without leaving the recipe - and pickles, horseradish mustard, apple butter which I'm just going to wear so I can lick it off my own arm at will it's just that good, cute kids, and joy.
• lost one of the shorties prized blankie in Chinatown.
• harassed Lost and Found employees of the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority...we remain hopeful.
• read about my boyfriend the Cubano bad boy security dude and my other boyfriend the Italian movie star cop strong female protagonist in Janet Evanovich's latest book...that took about 45 minutes...I wish I were kidding because I want more EvanoCrack.
• cheered my boy as he swam in his first and second and hooray tonight his third swim meets.
• didn't sell my other baby on Craigslist because she coughs all night and then whines all day because damn, she has a summer cold and it's not her fault and also she's decided to love me anyway despite the fact that we're not so much raising her as she's training us to do her bidding.
• have read half of Jincy Willett's Winner of the National Book Award and had three email convos with my BFF Cindy Guidry about why we love this book and my sense that other people won't think it's as funny and amazing as I do and whether that says something about me or them.

• broke my cell phone and have enjoyed the peace and quiet so much that I haven't replaced it and might not until later, gator.  Actually went into the phone store in the Mall to evaluate the Blackberry thing and had a panic attack and had to leave. OK.  Had to go to Macy's, THEN had to leave.
• have read Jen Lancaster's Pretty in Plaid.  While waiting at a stop light.  The experience was like eating Skittles.  Pleasant, sweet, easy to get down, and mostly forgettable in the big scheme of things.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  Her mostly forgettable kicks my totally non-existent's ass all over the block.
• my son just walked upstairs wearing a dinosaur costume - the same dinosaur costume that comprises Dress Up Clothes Mountain in the basement and that he's supposed to be cleaning up.  This doesn't bode well for my afternoon.
• discovered the best bikini waxer on the East Coast named Edith at Jason Matthew Salon , and I'm not going to give you any details about that unless you email me and you are not a pervy stalker and you are actually interested in how life changing a good brazilian wax can be - not you mom, we're not going there.
• went to the gym -14 times, that's right, NEGATIVE 14.
• "played" more tennis, once with the parents of the kid that I gave a fake final exam to this year (before I gave him the real one - I'm not THAT mean.  Usually.) that was utterly impossible as a joke and also as payback for the torture through which he and his buddies put me during the last three weeks of school.  I told them I was afraid I would get sued.  They thought it was funny.  Me three.
• got the oil changed in the family wagon in preparation for an upcoming getaway. 
• and my daughter just came upstairs dressed as in cat ears, a cat tail, a men's tie, and purple plastic, be-feathered, high heeled shoes.  I'm going to assume that she's just a clicky heeled androgynous cat and not a five year old auditionee for the Pussycat dolls.  However, I'm also going to assume that the punks aren't even considering cleaning up the basement.  Time to go get assertive - and by assertive, I mean of course, naggy and whiny and then finally cranky enough to threaten heinous consequences like NO TELEVISION UNTIL YOU GO TO COLLEGE or until I forget about the punishment.  Whichever comes first.

Dear Mr. McGee, or may I call you Tits?

Well, my friend, you've done it again.  I finished Narrow Dog to Indian River and feel alternately like a moron and the world's most brilliant and intuitive reader, which is a quite pleasant feeling and I enjoy it, until, inevitably, I cycle back around to moron.  Why do I feel like the world's most brilliant and intuitive reader?  Because I am challenged by the blend of poetry and prose but ultimately I can keep up, because I get the jokes, because I learn about my own country and its history and wars and paradoxes, and because I am able to nod knowingly from time to time and say, "yup, yup," which makes my husband wake up and look at me funny before rolling back over and returning to sleep but makes me feel like one of the cool kids.  Why do I feel like a moron?  Because WRH + stream of consciousness + visitations from deceased yet wise and affectionate author-mother + creative punctuation = Say wha now?  Not your fault, Mr. Mcgee, or may I call you Tits?  I take full responsibility.

I will not make the same smart-ass error I did when I reviewed Narrow Dog to Carcasonne and pretend that I was irritated with the fruits of your labor(s) and then begrudgingly acknowledge your mighty skill.  Instead, I'll just cut to the chase:  I laughed, I cried, I was both mortified and proud to be an American, and I'm now spending my time trying to figure out how to get you back here so we can take you for a sail in a proper boat of regular dimensions more traditional craft and feed you Yankee cuisine entirely devoid of pork, barbecue sauce, or deep fat fried breading instead of spending my time with other pursuits, like raising my children and paying bills.  Also I'm hoping you'll bring Jim because the neighbor's cat keeps pissing in my basement window wells and I sense that with proper motivation he could dispatch it with ease.

Still and yet, Mr. McGee, or may I call you Tits?  I am confused about your latest epic - and make no mistake, friends, the esteemed Tits McGee does crank out an actual epic, complete with heroes, peril, and a veritable army of archetypes - I thought I was reading a yarn about a clever Welshman, his divine and tattooed wife (Really?  A dragon?!  I am humbled before you, Gulfstream Rose.  You, like my first love C.K. Dexter Haven, have unsuspected depths), his exhausting and either idiotic I mean this with love or brilliant and eminently tummy-scratchable dog and their rollicking jaunt through the waterways of the American South.  But noooo....turns out I'm reading a ethnographic study of the aforementioned American South and accompanying commentary and analysis of the American people as a whole thinly, very very very very thinly - thin as American crap beer in fact - disguised as a yarn about a clever Welshman, his divine and tattooed wife...you get the idea.

I do want you to know, however, Mr. McGee, or may I call you Tits? When asked, I will share the following observations about your ethnographic study of the American South - aforementioned, natch - to my vast readership of six family members and paid employees and will, without hesitation or reservation, recommend they hop, skip, jump, fly, or sail to the nearest bookstore and get themselves a copy:

The Observations

I was impressed by your tenacity and your willingness to take on the lovely Mon and convince her to make the expedition, especially in the face of such observations about America as this, "However much you like the US, their people are not our people and their gods are not our gods."  True, this.  Our gods, at least those that we advertise - and advertise we do, as surely you know from your marketing days, tend towards the ostentatious and critical.  They are most distinct from your quiet Anglican-type deities who go about their business offering succor and ritual and only occasionally indicate displeasure with a slight wrinkle of the nose.  As Monica also noted in her expression of fear that you would both get "fat" upon visiting the good ole U.S. of A. (and why the hell shouldn't you, WE had to, didn't we??!!) we tend to do things Large around here.  Including religion.  And by "we," of course, I mean most specifically "not me."

Not all American beer other than Sam Adams is undrinkable.  You were just in the wrong part of the country. 

You know more about American history than 98.6% of all Americans.  If this does not distress you, please rest assured that I won't be sleeping tonight.  And I thank you for enlightening me on multiple topics related to military history.  Seriously.  Also, I completely agree with you about the relative irrelevance of the space program. 

Your inquiries about race relations in the American South were most often met with dodgy responses and evasion and half-truths from well-intentioned and polite Southerners.  I'm hoping that you figured out that the dodginess of the responses speaks volumes more than the words those well-intentioned and polite Southerners uttered.  We've got a long way to go.

You had me at, "It was a nothing experience, like Celine Dion."  Bwah ha ha ha.

Please tell Monica that we're not all THAT bad.  I got a little worried when she went off about how assbackwards we are as a nation, "I don't think the Americans are in control of their country and sometimes they act as if they don't understand it.  Have you noticed how they can't name their animals or birds?  Their weather forecasts are wrong, their cities get blown up or washed away and they stand helpless - look at New Orleans.  They go off to war and then change their minds.  They elect liars and fornicators as presidents.  There is a looseness, a cog missing, a knot that has come untied or has never been tied up properly..."  At the risk of sounding flippant, Mon, my response is this:  Well, duh.  We're not remotely in control of our country.  Our acknowledgment of this is part of our charm;  I would even go so far as to say that those of you who think you ARE in control of your countries are a little deluded.  But that's actually beside my point.  The important thing to remember here is that George Bush is no longer president, so most of the above is now moot, except the whole fornicators thing, and truth be told, we don't just elect them to be president, we elect them to everything from governor to dog catcher.    There is more than one cog missing and there is a massive "looseness."  It's a big country.  Think of your friend with the 8,000 acres.  We can't predict the weather, because we're too busy figuring out how to make Doritos nacho chips cheesier.  It's really just a matter of priorities, you see.

Regarding the wildlife, I expected you three to be a little heartier.  You think it's bad here?!!  Have you read Bill Bryson's In a Sunburned Country in which he points out that out of the ten deadliest animals on  the planet, eleven live in Australia?  You can be killed by an unoccupied seashell in Australia.  I'm pretty sure that there are breezes in Australia that can kick you in the shins, make love to your wife, and steal your car.  Toughen up.  The gators didn't get you, did they?  And if you'd heeded solid advice and painted your legs with nail polish, the chiggers wouldn't have done much damage, either, now, would they have?



Rule #1 of drinking:  unless you are in Provence, do not drink pink wine.

You depicted southern hospitality so gorgeously that I want to go to the swampland.  Not really.  But it was nice to read about.

I've spent some time in the part of Virginia/North Carolina where you had surgery and I want you to know that I had to read that section with my eyes closed.    I'm glad you're still with us.

Nobody understands Florida, or, more significantly, the lure of Florida.  Sanibel is a pretty magical place (I made my husband take me there for my first anniversary because I was five months pregnant and NEEDED, do you hear me??!! NEEDED to dig a hole in the sand and lie on my stomach so I could sleep for heaven's sakes), but the rest of it is just plain weird.  I can't explain it except to say that the combination of green, light blue, and white that, minus the bazillions of condos and cars and strip malls, equals Florida is a bit like a narcotic.

You remain, Tits McGee, a poet.  "First the channel, waves flashing and spitting, then yellow grass for ever, standing in water, the wind stroking it, sometimes a creek running away. Seas, seas of grass.  Far off, to the east, higher ground before the ocean, then a scrubbed sky and an attenuated cloud ten miles long like the sketch of the first cloud ever.  Light, and more light, and blue and yellow and white and a touch of dark in the distance, and air, the first air, a wind that none has breathed."  Thanks for that. 

Despite our pork scratchings and fat asses and watery beer and loud voices and addiction to cheap construction and deep fried everything, we've got a little something special here. 

But you knew that, didn't you.

Yours, in envy and intracoastal dreams,

the Well Read Hostess


p.s.  ""  ""  ""  ""  ""  "" "" "" "" "" ""    I noticed you were short on some these, so I thought I'd send some of my extras along.

p.s.s.  Sometimes I crack myself right up.  You are encouraged, but not required, to agree.

I woke up this morning to thunder rolling across the sky*.  By the time I'd finished with my shower, there was a tiny person in the "big bed" trying to look brave and as though he'd just wandered in and no, the thunder had nothing to do with it, why do you ask?



By the time I got to work, the sky was dark again, as though the clocks were working backwards.

By the time my class was underway, rain pounded on the roof of the building and against the windows and the sky was lit with bolts of electricity from the storm.  The thunder was loud enough to vibrate the floor.

When they'd come to grips with the fact that a thunderstorm rarely constitutes enough of a situation, or has such dire consequences, that school is let out, my students eventually went about their work.  Sort of.  They were distracted by the storm.  And who wouldn't be?  It was violent, explosive, and dramatic.  Plus, I'm familiar with distractions.  When there aren't any conveniently laying around, I invent them.  By the truckload.

I did some extensive research by cutting and pasting from Wikipedia on thunderstorms, because I can never remember which comes first, the lightning or the thunder or what they have to do with one another.

The Life Cycle of a Thunderstorm by Wikipedia and The Well Read Hostess

"Warm air has a lower density than cool air, so warm air rises within cooler air... Clouds form as relatively warmer air carrying moisture rises within cooler air. As the moist air rises, it cools causing some of the water vapor in the rising packet of air to condense. When the moisture condenses, it releases energy so that the rising packet of air cools less than its surrounding air, so it continues to rise. If enough instability is present in the atmosphere, this process will continue long enough for cumulonimbus clouds to form, which support lightning and thunder.

All thunderstorms, regardless of type, go through three stages: the cumulus stage, the mature stage, and the dissipation stage. Depending on the conditions present in the atmosphere, these three stages can take anywhere from 20 minutes to several hours to occur.  Sort of like how people under stress go from "I'm sort of over this," to "I can't take much more?"  to "Oh Christ on a Bike!  Can I go home yet???" 

The first stage of a thunderstorm is the cumulus stage, or developing stage - this is like when your house is in its kind of normal state of disarray, but everything is ticking along as it should.  Maybe someone is getting a cold, or you are almost out of milk, or your neighbor is bugging you about an unruly hedge. In this stage, masses of moisture are lifted upwards into the atmosphere. The trigger for this lift can be insulation heating the ground producing thermals, areas where two winds converge forcing air upwards, or where somebody forgets that the permission slip has to be in by three days ago and the cleaning people are coming and nobody has picked up the laundry off the floor and seriously, who keeps NOT flushing the toilet around here?   As the water vapor condenses into liquid, latent heat is released which warms the air, causing it to become less dense Honestly, how dense can they be?  I paid the cable bill on time and they still show no record of the payment going through.  I've been on hold with Bangalore for over thirty minutes and I have to be at a meeting NOW not to mention the fact that we still don't have milk and I have to be out until late and did I get a sitter? than the surrounding dry air. The air tends to rise in an updraft through the process of convection... which has something to do with cooking or fancy ovens.  One or the other.  Wikipedia, here, offers a lot of math, which I have thoughtfully deleted.  Because, Math = thing I hate.


If your cumulus is towering, it might be time for some deep
breathing or red wine.

In the mature aging gracefully you don't look a day over 30 stage of a thunderstorm, the warmed air continues to rise until it reaches existing air which is warmer, and the air can rise no further like when someone has said, "Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom. Mom" so many times that there is no room for anymore "moms" and the unanswered "moms" are piling up like so much laundry and suffocating you not just with their presence but the recognition of the fact that, like the laundry, you haven't been paying enough attention to the "moms."  Often this 'cap' is the tropopause. Not to be confused with the menopause, which is something else altogether that also involves warm air and building tension and maturity.  The air is instead forced to spread out, giving the storm a characteristic anvil shape. The resulting cloud is called cumulonimbus incus. The water droplets coalesce into larger and heavier droplets and freeze to become ice particles. As these fall they melt to become rain. If the updraft is strong enough, the droplets are held aloft long enough to be so large that they do not melt completely and fall as hail. While updrafts are still present, the falling rain creates downdrafts as well. The simultaneous presence of both an updraft and downdrafts marks the mature stage of the storm, and during this stage considerable internal turbulence can occur in the storm system, which sometimes manifests as strong winds, severe lightning, and even tornadoes. In the worst case scenario, this stage of the storm can also develop into a crisis stage during which people can be seen to stomp and slam doors and shout mutter under their breath things like, "Nobody does anything around here but me, and I can't do this all by myself, and besides I suck at this and I screw everything up and why can't I get my act together and be like a REAL person in a REAL house who does NORMAL things and thinks NORMAL thoughts and whose goddamn shoes are these in the middle of the hallway and why is there pudding on the wall?"



Looks intimidating and scary, doesn't it? But it only looks like it
 could eat your world.  Remember...it's unstable!

In certain cases however, even with little wind shear, if there is enough atmospheric support and instability in place for the thunderstorm to feed on, it may even maintain its mature stage a bit longer than most storms.  At which time one should check to see if the prescriptions have been refilled, or if maybe you forgot to take care of that, too, and maybe it's time to get on it.  What do you say?  Or maybe a nap?  Drinky-poo?

In the dissipation stage, the thunderstorm is dominated by the downdraft. If atmospheric conditions do not support super cellular development, this stage occurs rather quickly, approximately 20–30 minutes into the life of the thunderstorm. The downdraft will push down out of the thunderstorm, hit the ground and spread out. The cool air carried to the ground by the downdraft cuts off the inflow of the thunderstorm, the updraft disappears and the thunderstorm will dissipate.  And everybody will feel better.  It always does blow over, you know.  It always does. "



On a symbolic level, the rain falling from the clouds are tears, vitriol,
sleep, or the onset of your period. 




*second only to falling snow in the "Mother Nature Wants You to Stay Home in Bed But You Can't So Get Up" hit parade

Summer Reading - My Favorite List of the Year

The Sweet Life in Paris:  Delicious Adventures in the World's Most Glorious and Perplexing City by David Lebovitz
    Food and travel, what more could I ask for?

Four Seasons in Rome:  On Twins, Insomnia, and the Biggest Funeral in the History of the World by Anthony Doerr
    Travel, so it's almost an automatic choice, made more appealing because it's about my favorite European city.

Home Game:  An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood by Michael Lewis
    I've seen a few interviews with Lewis and read some reviews.  I am fascinated by the topic of this book, especially because it echoes one of my own favorite refrains about how we are all liars.  I tend to reflect on the way that women lie to themselves and to others, but Lewis attacks this theme in terms of how men, particularly fathers, perpetuate myths that make them miserable, too.  Amazon's description:  "When he became a father, Michael Lewis found himself expected to feel things that he didn’t feel, and to do things that he couldn’t see the point of doing. At first this made him feel guilty, until he realized that all around him fathers were pretending to do one thing, to feel one way, when in fact they felt and did all sorts of things, then engaged in what amounted to an extended cover-up. Lewis decided to keep a written record of what actually happened immediately after the birth of each of his three children. This book is that record. But it is also something else: maybe the funniest, most unsparing account of ordinary daily household life ever recorded from the point of view of the man inside. The remarkable thing about this story isn’t that Lewis is so unusual. It’s that he is so typical. The only wonder is that his wife has allowed him to publish it."

Bad Mother:  A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace by Ayelet Waldman
    She's a great writer, married to the wicked cool Michael Chabon, and stirs controversy by telling it like it is...like it is for her may be different from like it is for you or me, but I'm all in favor of stripping away the bullshit to get to the real story about motherhood and life as a partner and parent.  I'm going to read this alongside Home Game.

Sag Harbor by Colson Whitehead
  A coming of age novel set in the Hamptons during summertime.  Sounds like a cliche, but it's not because of the protagonist - a privileged African American adolescent in the lily white Hamptons.  I can't wait to get my hands on this one.

Road Dogs by Elmore Leonard
    Because Elmore Leonard wrote it.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett
    I just discovered that this book was on the bestseller list, though I'd heard about it from a friend a few months ago.  The few people I know of who've read it have loved it, but my friend recommends listening to the unabridged version on CD/ipod/ whatever because the narrator does such an excellent job with the accents.

Nobody Move by Denis Johnson
    Denis Johnson is ALL THAT according to people who know such things.  I am among the uninitiated, but given the volume and scope of the praise for this book, this is a good place to dive in.

Olive Kittredge by Elizabeth Strout
    Because my mom said so.

Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
    Because my brother said so.

Bonk by Mary Roach
    Because, hello?!!  It's a book about freaky sex info.  Or, more intelligently put in Booklist:  "The New Yorker dubbed Roach “the funniest science writer in the country.” OK, maybe there’s not a lot of competition. But even if there were thousands of science-humor writers, she would be the sidesplitting favorite. Of course, she chooses good subjects: cadavers in Stiff (2003), ghosts in Spook (2005), and now a genuinely fertile topic in Bonk. As Roach points out, scientists studying sex are often treated with disdain, as though there is something inherently suspicious about the enterprise. Yet through understanding the anatomy, physiology, and psychology of sexual response, scientists can help us toward greater marital and nonmarital happiness. Such altruistic intentions, which the book shares, aren’t the wellspring of its appeal, however. That lies in the breezy tone in which Roach describes erectile dysfunction among polygamists, penis cameras, relative organ sizes and enhancement devices, and dozens of other titillating subjects. Not to be missed: the martial art of yin diao gung (“genitals hanging kung fu”), monkey sex athletes, and the licensing of porn stars’ genitals for blow-up reproductions. To stay on the ethical side of human-subjects experimentation, Roach offers herself as research subject several times, resulting in some of her best writing. --Patricia Monaghan"

Late Nights on Air by Elizabeth Hay
    I don't remember where I read the synopsis and review of this book, but I do recall that it's about a small radio station in a remote locale.  Once upon a time, I wanted to be on the radio.  So, the road not taken and all that...

And, obviously, I'll read the next Janet Evanovich when it's released at the end of the month...I've been away from my dangerous fictional boyfriend for too long.  The title of this one makes me cringe, though.  "Finger' Lickin' Fifteen" sounds creepy and all I can picture is Colonel Sanders with a lascivious and deranged look on his face.


What will I wear while I'm doing all this reading?  I am so glad you asked.  Should you like to pimp for me dress as well as I do, behold the following, available at Cafepress.











Your car will feel left out of all the pimping if you don't dress it up, too.


  







Thirsty?









I should note here, that all this marketing is just for fun.  I don't actually own any of these things myself - yet...I will soon, and I don't make a profit on them.  No pressure.  If you send me a picture of yourself wearing a t shirt or a car with a sticker on it, though, I'll send you a present.  Maybe a summer reading book of your choice. 

THE WHITE HOUSE

Office of the Press Secretary
(Cairo,Egypt)

________________________________________________
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE               June 4, 2009
 

REMARKS BY THE PRESIDENT
ON A NEW BEGINNING

Cairo University
Cairo, Egypt

1:10 P.M. (Local)

PRESIDENT OBAMA:  Thank you very much.  Good afternoon.  I am honored to be in the timeless city of Cairo, and to be hosted by two remarkable institutions.  For over a thousand years, Al-Azhar has stood as a beacon of Islamic learning; and for over a century, Cairo University has been a source of Egypt's advancement.  And together, you represent the harmony between tradition and progress.  I'm grateful for your hospitality, and the hospitality of the people of Egypt.  And I'm also proud to carry with me the goodwill of the American people, and a greeting of peace from Muslim communities in my country:  Assalaamu alaykum. (Applause.)

We meet at a time of great tension between the United States and Muslims around the world -- tension rooted in historical forces that go beyond any current policy debate.  The relationship between Islam and the West includes centuries of coexistence and cooperation, but also conflict and religious wars.  More recently, tension has been fed by colonialism that denied rights and opportunities to many Muslims, and a Cold War in which Muslim-majority countries were too often treated as proxies without regard to their own aspirations.  Moreover, the sweeping change brought by modernity and globalization led many Muslims to view the West as hostile to the traditions of Islam.

Violent extremists have exploited these tensions in a small but potent minority of Muslims.  The attacks of September 11, 2001 and the continued efforts of these extremists to engage in violence against civilians has led some in my country to view Islam as inevitably hostile not only to America and Western countries, but also to human rights.  All this has bred more fear and more mistrust.

So long as our relationship is defined by our differences, we will empower those who sow hatred rather than peace, those who promote conflict rather than the cooperation that can help all of our people achieve justice and prosperity.  And this cycle of suspicion and discord must end.

I've come here to Cairo to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world, one based on mutual interest and mutual respect, and one based upon the truth that America and Islam are not exclusive and need not be in competition.  Instead, they overlap, and share common principles -- principles of justice and progress; tolerance and the dignity of all human beings.

I do so recognizing that change cannot happen overnight.  I know there's been a lot of publicity about this speech, but no single speech can eradicate years of mistrust, nor can I answer in the time that I have this afternoon all the complex questions that brought us to this point.  But I am convinced that in order to move forward, we must say openly to each other the things we hold in our hearts and that too often are said only behind closed doors.  There must be a sustained effort to listen to each other; to learn from each other; to respect one another; and to seek common ground.  As the Holy Koran tells us, "Be conscious of God and speak always the truth."  (Applause.)  That is what I will try to do today -- to speak the truth as best I can, humbled by the task before us, and firm in my belief that the interests we share as human beings are far more powerful than the forces that drive us apart.

Now part of this conviction is rooted in my own experience. I'm a Christian, but my father came from a Kenyan family that includes generations of Muslims.  As a boy, I spent several years in Indonesia and heard the call of the azaan at the break of dawn and at the fall of dusk.  As a young man, I worked in Chicago communities where many found dignity and peace in their Muslim faith.

As a student of history, I also know civilization's debt to Islam.  It was Islam -- at places like Al-Azhar -- that carried the light of learning through so many centuries, paving the way for Europe's Renaissance and Enlightenment.  It was innovation in Muslim communities -- (applause) -- it was innovation in Muslim communities that developed the order of algebra; our magnetic compass and tools of navigation; our mastery of pens and printing; our understanding of how disease spreads and how it can be healed.  Islamic culture has given us majestic arches and soaring spires; timeless poetry and cherished music; elegant calligraphy and places of peaceful contemplation.  And throughout history, Islam has demonstrated through words and deeds the possibilities of religious tolerance and racial equality.  (Applause.)

I also know that Islam has always been a part of America's story.  The first nation to recognize my country was Morocco.  In signing the Treaty of Tripoli in 1796, our second President, John Adams, wrote, "The United States has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Muslims."  And since our founding, American Muslims have enriched the United States.  They have fought in our wars, they have served in our government, they have stood for civil rights, they have started businesses, they have taught at our universities, they've excelled in our sports arenas, they've won Nobel Prizes, built our tallest building, and lit the Olympic Torch.  And when the first Muslim American was recently elected to Congress, he took the oath to defend our Constitution using the same Holy Koran that one of our Founding Fathers -- Thomas Jefferson -- kept in his personal library.  (Applause.)

So I have known Islam on three continents before coming to the region where it was first revealed.  That experience guides my conviction that partnership between America and Islam must be based on what Islam is, not what it isn't.  And I consider it part of my responsibility as President of the United States to fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear. (Applause.)

But that same principle must apply to Muslim perceptions of America.  (Applause.)  Just as Muslims do not fit a crude stereotype, America is not the crude stereotype of a self-interested empire.  The United States has been one of the greatest sources of progress that the world has ever known.  We were born out of revolution against an empire.  We were founded upon the ideal that all are created equal, and we have shed blood and struggled for centuries to give meaning to those words -- within our borders, and around the world.  We are shaped by every culture, drawn from every end of the Earth, and dedicated to a simple concept:  E pluribus unum -- "Out of many, one."  

Now, much has been made of the fact that an African American with the name Barack Hussein Obama could be elected President.  (Applause.)  But my personal story is not so unique.  The dream of opportunity for all people has not come true for everyone in America, but its promise exists for all who come to our shores -- and that includes nearly 7 million American Muslims in our country today who, by the way, enjoy incomes and educational levels that are higher than the American average.  (Applause.)

Moreover, freedom in America is indivisible from the freedom to practice one's religion.  That is why there is a mosque in every state in our union, and over 1,200 mosques within our borders.  That's why the United States government has gone to court to protect the right of women and girls to wear the hijab and to punish those who would deny it.  (Applause.)

So let there be no doubt:  Islam is a part of America.  And I believe that America holds within her the truth that regardless of race, religion, or station in life, all of us share common aspirations -- to live in peace and security; to get an education and to work with dignity; to love our families, our communities, and our God.  These things we share.  This is the hope of all humanity.

Of course, recognizing our common humanity is only the beginning of our task.  Words alone cannot meet the needs of our people.  These needs will be met only if we act boldly in the years ahead; and if we understand that the challenges we face are shared, and our failure to meet them will hurt us all.

For we have learned from recent experience that when a financial system weakens in one country, prosperity is hurt everywhere.  When a new flu infects one human being, all are at risk.  When one nation pursues a nuclear weapon, the risk of nuclear attack rises for all nations.  When violent extremists operate in one stretch of mountains, people are endangered across an ocean.  When innocents in Bosnia and Darfur are slaughtered, that is a stain on our collective conscience.  (Applause.)  That is what it means to share this world in the 21st century.  That is the responsibility we have to one another as human beings.

And this is a difficult responsibility to embrace.  For human history has often been a record of nations and tribes -- and, yes, religions -- subjugating one another in pursuit of their own interests.  Yet in this new age, such attitudes are self-defeating.  Given our interdependence, any world order that elevates one nation or group of people over another will inevitably fail.  So whatever we think of the past, we must not be prisoners to it.  Our problems must be dealt with through partnership; our progress must be shared.  (Applause.)

Now, that does not mean we should ignore sources of tension. Indeed, it suggests the opposite:  We must face these tensions squarely.  And so in that spirit, let me speak as clearly and as plainly as I can about some specific issues that I believe we must finally confront together. 

The first issue that we have to confront is violent extremism in all of its forms.

In Ankara, I made clear that America is not -- and never will be -- at war with Islam.  (Applause.)  We will, however, relentlessly confront violent extremists who pose a grave threat to our security -- because we reject the same thing that people of all faiths reject:  the killing of innocent men, women, and children.  And it is my first duty as President to protect the American people.

The situation in Afghanistan demonstrates America's goals, and our need to work together.  Over seven years ago, the United States pursued al Qaeda and the Taliban with broad international support.  We did not go by choice; we went because of necessity. I'm aware that there's still some who would question or even justify the events of 9/11.  But let us be clear:  Al Qaeda killed nearly 3,000 people on that day.  The victims were innocent men, women and children from America and many other nations who had done nothing to harm anybody.  And yet al Qaeda chose to ruthlessly murder these people, claimed credit for the attack, and even now states their determination to kill on a massive scale.  They have affiliates in many countries and are trying to expand their reach.  These are not opinions to be debated; these are facts to be dealt with.

Now, make no mistake:  We do not want to keep our troops in Afghanistan.  We see no military -- we seek no military bases there.  It is agonizing for America to lose our young men and women.  It is costly and politically difficult to continue this conflict.  We would gladly bring every single one of our troops home if we could be confident that there were not violent extremists in Afghanistan and now Pakistan determined to kill as many Americans as they possibly can.  But that is not yet the case.

And that's why we're partnering with a coalition of 46 countries.  And despite the costs involved, America's commitment will not weaken.  Indeed, none of us should tolerate these extremists.  They have killed in many countries.  They have killed people of different faiths -- but more than any other, they have killed Muslims.  Their actions are irreconcilable with the rights of human beings, the progress of nations, and with Islam.  The Holy Koran teaches that whoever kills an innocent is as -- it is as if he has killed all mankind.  (Applause.)  And the Holy Koran also says whoever saves a person, it is as if he has saved all mankind.  (Applause.)  The enduring faith of over a billion people is so much bigger than the narrow hatred of a few. Islam is not part of the problem in combating violent extremism -- it is an important part of promoting peace. 

Now, we also know that military power alone is not going to solve the problems in Afghanistan and Pakistan.  That's why we plan to invest $1.5 billion each year over the next five years to partner with Pakistanis to build schools and hospitals, roads and businesses, and hundreds of millions to help those who've been displaced.  That's why we are providing more than $2.8 billion to help Afghans develop their economy and deliver services that people depend on.

Let me also address the issue of Iraq.  Unlike Afghanistan, Iraq was a war of choice that provoked strong differences in my country and around the world.  Although I believe that the Iraqi people are ultimately better off without the tyranny of Saddam Hussein, I also believe that events in Iraq have reminded America of the need to use diplomacy and build international consensus to resolve our problems whenever possible.  (Applause.)  Indeed, we can recall the words of Thomas Jefferson, who said:  "I hope that our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us that the less we use our power the greater it will be."

Today, America has a dual responsibility:  to help Iraq forge a better future -- and to leave Iraq to Iraqis.  And I have made it clear to the Iraqi people -- (applause) -- I have made it clear to the Iraqi people that we pursue no bases, and no claim on their territory or resources.  Iraq's sovereignty is its own. And that's why I ordered the removal of our combat brigades by next August.  That is why we will honor our agreement with Iraq's democratically elected government to remove combat troops from Iraqi cities by July, and to remove all of our troops from Iraq by 2012.  (Applause.)  We will help Iraq train its security forces and develop its economy.  But we will support a secure and united Iraq as a partner, and never as a patron.

And finally, just as America can never tolerate violence by extremists, we must never alter or forget our principles.  Nine-eleven was an enormous trauma to our country.  The fear and anger that it provoked was understandable, but in some cases, it led us to act contrary to our traditions and our ideals.  We are taking concrete actions to change course.  I have unequivocally prohibited the use of torture by the United States, and I have ordered the prison at Guantanamo Bay closed by early next year.  (Applause.)

So America will defend itself, respectful of the sovereignty of nations and the rule of law.  And we will do so in partnership with Muslim communities which are also threatened.  The sooner the extremists are isolated and unwelcome in Muslim communities, the sooner we will all be safer.

The second major source of tension that we need to discuss is the situation between Israelis, Palestinians and the Arab world.

America's strong bonds with Israel are well known.  This bond is unbreakable.  It is based upon cultural and historical ties, and the recognition that the aspiration for a Jewish homeland is rooted in a tragic history that cannot be denied.

Around the world, the Jewish people were persecuted for centuries, and anti-Semitism in Europe culminated in an unprecedented Holocaust.  Tomorrow, I will visit Buchenwald, which was part of a network of camps where Jews were enslaved, tortured, shot and gassed to death by the Third Reich.  Six million Jews were killed -- more than the entire Jewish population of Israel today.  Denying that fact is baseless, it is ignorant, and it is hateful.  Threatening Israel with destruction -- or repeating vile stereotypes about Jews -- is deeply wrong, and only serves to evoke in the minds of Israelis this most painful of memories while preventing the peace that the people of this region deserve.

On the other hand, it is also undeniable that the Palestinian people -- Muslims and Christians -- have suffered in pursuit of a homeland.  For more than 60 years they've endured the pain of dislocation.  Many wait in refugee camps in the West Bank, Gaza, and neighboring lands for a life of peace and security that they have never been able to lead.  They endure the daily humiliations -- large and small -- that come with occupation.  So let there be no doubt:  The situation for the Palestinian people is intolerable.  And America will not turn our backs on the legitimate Palestinian aspiration for dignity, opportunity, and a state of their own.  (Applause.)

For decades then, there has been a stalemate:  two peoples with legitimate aspirations, each with a painful history that makes compromise elusive.  It's easy to point fingers -- for Palestinians to point to the displacement brought about by Israel's founding, and for Israelis to point to the constant hostility and attacks throughout its history from within its borders as well as beyond.  But if we see this conflict only from one side or the other, then we will be blind to the truth:  The only resolution is for the aspirations of both sides to be met through two states, where Israelis and Palestinians each live in peace and security.  (Applause.)

That is in Israel's interest, Palestine's interest, America's interest, and the world's interest.  And that is why I intend to personally pursue this outcome with all the patience and dedication that the task requires.  (Applause.)  The obligations -- the obligations that the parties have agreed to under the road map are clear.  For peace to come, it is time for them -- and all of us -- to live up to our responsibilities.

Palestinians must abandon violence.  Resistance through violence and killing is wrong and it does not succeed.  For centuries, black people in America suffered the lash of the whip as slaves and the humiliation of segregation.  But it was not violence that won full and equal rights.  It was a peaceful and determined insistence upon the ideals at the center of America's founding.  This same story can be told by people from South Africa to South Asia; from Eastern Europe to Indonesia.  It's a story with a simple truth:  that violence is a dead end.  It is a sign neither of courage nor power to shoot rockets at sleeping children, or to blow up old women on a bus.  That's not how moral authority is claimed; that's how it is surrendered.

Now is the time for Palestinians to focus on what they can build.  The Palestinian Authority must develop its capacity to govern, with institutions that serve the needs of its people. Hamas does have support among some Palestinians, but they also have to recognize they have responsibilities.  To play a role in fulfilling Palestinian aspirations, to unify the Palestinian people, Hamas must put an end to violence, recognize past agreements, recognize Israel's right to exist.

At the same time, Israelis must acknowledge that just as Israel's right to exist cannot be denied, neither can Palestine's.  The United States does not accept the legitimacy of continued Israeli settlements.  (Applause.)  This construction violates previous agreements and undermines efforts to achieve peace.  It is time for these settlements to stop.  (Applause.)

And Israel must also live up to its obligation to ensure that Palestinians can live and work and develop their society.  Just as it devastates Palestinian families, the continuing humanitarian crisis in Gaza does not serve Israel's security; neither does the continuing lack of opportunity in the West Bank. Progress in the daily lives of the Palestinian people must be a critical part of a road to peace, and Israel must take concrete steps to enable such progress. 

And finally, the Arab states must recognize that the Arab Peace Initiative was an important beginning, but not the end of their responsibilities.  The Arab-Israeli conflict should no longer be used to distract the people of Arab nations from other problems.  Instead, it must be a cause for action to help the Palestinian people develop the institutions that will sustain their state, to recognize Israel's legitimacy, and to choose progress over a self-defeating focus on the past.

America will align our policies with those who pursue peace, and we will say in public what we say in private to Israelis and Palestinians and Arabs.  (Applause.)  We cannot impose peace.  But privately, many Muslims recognize that Israel will not go away.  Likewise, many Israelis recognize the need for a Palestinian state.  It is time for us to act on what everyone knows to be true.

Too many tears have been shed.  Too much blood has been shed.  All of us have a responsibility to work for the day when the mothers of Israelis and Palestinians can see their children grow up without fear; when the Holy Land of the three great faiths is the place of peace that God intended it to be; when Jerusalem is a secure and lasting home for Jews and Christians and Muslims, and a place for all of the children of Abraham to mingle peacefully together as in the story of Isra -- (applause) -- as in the story of Isra, when Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed, peace be upon them, joined in prayer.  (Applause.)

The third source of tension is our shared interest in the rights and responsibilities of nations on nuclear weapons.

This issue has been a source of tension between the United States and the Islamic Republic of Iran.  For many years, Iran has defined itself in part by its opposition to my country, and there is in fact a tumultuous history between us.  In the middle of the Cold War, the United States played a role in the overthrow of a democratically elected Iranian government.  Since the Islamic Revolution, Iran has played a role in acts of hostage-taking and violence against U.S. troops and civilians.  This history is well known.  Rather than remain trapped in the past, I've made it clear to Iran's leaders and people that my country is prepared to move forward.  The question now is not what Iran is against, but rather what future it wants to build.

I recognize it will be hard to overcome decades of mistrust, but we will proceed with courage, rectitude, and resolve.  There will be many issues to discuss between our two countries, and we are willing to move forward without preconditions on the basis of mutual respect.  But it is clear to all concerned that when it comes to nuclear weapons, we have reached a decisive point.  This is not simply about America's interests.  It's about preventing a nuclear arms race in the Middle East that could lead this region and the world down a hugely dangerous path.

I understand those who protest that some countries have weapons that others do not.  No single nation should pick and choose which nation holds nuclear weapons.  And that's why I strongly reaffirmed America's commitment to seek a world in which no nations hold nuclear weapons.  (Applause.)  And any nation -- including Iran -- should have the right to access peaceful nuclear power if it complies with its responsibilities under the nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.  That commitment is at the core of the treaty, and it must be kept for all who fully abide by it. And I'm hopeful that all countries in the region can share in this goal.

The fourth issue that I will address is democracy.  (Applause.)

I know -- I know there has been controversy about the promotion of democracy in recent years, and much of this controversy is connected to the war in Iraq.  So let me be clear: No system of government can or should be imposed by one nation by any other.
 
That does not lessen my commitment, however, to governments that reflect the will of the people.  Each nation gives life to this principle in its own way, grounded in the traditions of its own people.  America does not presume to know what is best for everyone, just as we would not presume to pick the outcome of a peaceful election.  But I do have an unyielding belief that all people yearn for certain things:  the ability to speak your mind and have a say in how you are governed; confidence in the rule of law and the equal administration of justice; government that is transparent and doesn't steal from the people; the freedom to live as you choose.  These are not just American ideas; they are human rights.  And that is why we will support them everywhere.  (Applause.)

Now, there is no straight line to realize this promise.  But this much is clear:  Governments that protect these rights are ultimately more stable, successful and secure.  Suppressing ideas never succeeds in making them go away.  America respects the right of all peaceful and law-abiding voices to be heard around the world, even if we disagree with them.  And we will welcome all elected, peaceful governments -- provided they govern with respect for all their people.

This last point is important because there are some who advocate for democracy only when they're out of power; once in power, they are ruthless in suppressing the rights of others.  (Applause.)  So no matter where it takes hold, government of the people and by the people sets a single standard for all who would hold power:  You must maintain your power through consent, not coercion; you must respect the rights of minorities, and participate with a spirit of tolerance and compromise; you must place the interests of your people and the legitimate workings of the political process above your party.  Without these ingredients, elections alone do not make true democracy.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  Barack Obama, we love you!

PRESIDENT OBAMA:  Thank you.  (Applause.)  The fifth issue that we must address together is religious freedom.

Islam has a proud tradition of tolerance.  We see it in the history of Andalusia and Cordoba during the Inquisition.  I saw it firsthand as a child in Indonesia, where devout Christians worshiped freely in an overwhelmingly Muslim country.  That is the spirit we need today.  People in every country should be free to choose and live their faith based upon the persuasion of the mind and the heart and the soul.  This tolerance is essential for religion to thrive, but it's being challenged in many different ways.

Among some Muslims, there's a disturbing tendency to measure one's own faith by the rejection of somebody else's faith.  The richness of religious diversity must be upheld -- whether it is for Maronites in Lebanon or the Copts in Egypt.  (Applause.)  And if we are being honest, fault lines must be closed among Muslims, as well, as the divisions between Sunni and Shia have led to tragic violence, particularly in Iraq.

Freedom of religion is central to the ability of peoples to live together.  We must always examine the ways in which we protect it.  For instance, in the United States, rules on charitable giving have made it harder for Muslims to fulfill their religious obligation.  That's why I'm committed to working with American Muslims to ensure that they can fulfill zakat. 

Likewise, it is important for Western countries to avoid impeding Muslim citizens from practicing religion as they see fit -- for instance, by dictating what clothes a Muslim woman should wear.  We can't disguise hostility towards any religion behind the pretence of liberalism.
 
In fact, faith should bring us together.  And that's why we're forging service projects in America to bring together Christians, Muslims, and Jews.  That's why we welcome efforts like Saudi Arabian King Abdullah's interfaith dialogue and Turkey's leadership in the Alliance of Civilizations.  Around the world, we can turn dialogue into interfaith service, so bridges between peoples lead to action -- whether it is combating malaria in Africa, or providing relief after a natural disaster. 

The sixth issue -- the sixth issue that I want to address is women's rights.  (Applause.)  I know –- I know -- and you can tell from this audience, that there is a healthy debate about this issue.  I reject the view of some in the West that a woman who chooses to cover her hair is somehow less equal, but I do believe that a woman who is denied an education is denied equality.  (Applause.)  And it is no coincidence that countries where women are well educated are far more likely to be prosperous.

Now, let me be clear:  Issues of women's equality are by no means simply an issue for Islam.  In Turkey, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Indonesia, we've seen Muslim-majority countries elect a woman to lead.  Meanwhile, the struggle for women's equality continues in many aspects of American life, and in countries around the world.

I am convinced that our daughters can contribute just as much to society as our sons.  (Applause.)  Our common prosperity will be advanced by allowing all humanity -- men and women -- to reach their full potential.  I do not believe that women must make the same choices as men in order to be equal, and I respect those women who choose to live their lives in traditional roles. But it should be their choice.  And that is why the United States will partner with any Muslim-majority country to support expanded literacy for girls, and to help young women pursue employment through micro-financing that helps people live their dreams.  (Applause.)

Finally, I want to discuss economic development and opportunity.

I know that for many, the face of globalization is contradictory.  The Internet and television can bring knowledge and information, but also offensive sexuality and mindless violence into the home.  Trade can bring new wealth and opportunities, but also huge disruptions and change in communities.  In all nations -- including America -- this change can bring fear.  Fear that because of modernity we lose control over our economic choices, our politics, and most importantly our identities -- those things we most cherish about our communities, our families, our traditions, and our faith. 

But I also know that human progress cannot be denied.  There need not be contradictions between development and tradition. Countries like Japan and South Korea grew their economies enormously while maintaining distinct cultures.  The same is true for the astonishing progress within Muslim-majority countries from Kuala Lumpur to Dubai.  In ancient times and in our times, Muslim communities have been at the forefront of innovation and education.

And this is important because no development strategy can be based only upon what comes out of the ground, nor can it be sustained while young people are out of work.  Many Gulf states have enjoyed great wealth as a consequence of oil, and some are beginning to focus it on broader development.  But all of us must recognize that education and innovation will be the currency of the 21st century -- (applause) -- and in too many Muslim communities, there remains underinvestment in these areas.  I'm emphasizing such investment within my own country.  And while America in the past has focused on oil and gas when it comes to this part of the world, we now seek a broader engagement.

On education, we will expand exchange programs, and increase scholarships, like the one that brought my father to America.  (Applause.)  At the same time, we will encourage more Americans to study in Muslim communities.  And we will match promising Muslim students with internships in America; invest in online learning for teachers and children around the world; and create a new online network, so a young person in Kansas can communicate instantly with a young person in Cairo.

On economic development, we will create a new corps of business volunteers to partner with counterparts in Muslim-majority countries.  And I will host a Summit on Entrepreneurship this year to identify how we can deepen ties between business leaders, foundations and social entrepreneurs in the United States and Muslim communities around the world.

On science and technology, we will launch a new fund to support technological development in Muslim-majority countries, and to help transfer ideas to the marketplace so they can create more jobs.  We'll open centers of scientific excellence in Africa, the Middle East and Southeast Asia, and appoint new science envoys to collaborate on programs that develop new sources of energy, create green jobs, digitize records, clean water, grow new crops.  Today I'm announcing a new global effort with the Organization of the Islamic Conference to eradicate polio.  And we will also expand partnerships with Muslim communities to promote child and maternal health.

All these things must be done in partnership.  Americans are ready to join with citizens and governments; community organizations, religious leaders, and businesses in Muslim communities around the world to help our people pursue a better life.

The issues that I have described will not be easy to address.  But we have a responsibility to join together on behalf of the world that we seek -- a world where extremists no longer threaten our people, and American troops have come home; a world where Israelis and Palestinians are each secure in a state of their own, and nuclear energy is used for peaceful purposes; a world where governments serve their citizens, and the rights of all God's children are respected.  Those are mutual interests.  That is the world we seek.  But we can only achieve it together.

I know there are many -- Muslim and non-Muslim -- who question whether we can forge this new beginning.  Some are eager to stoke the flames of division, and to stand in the way of progress.  Some suggest that it isn't worth the effort -- that we are fated to disagree, and civilizations are doomed to clash. Many more are simply skeptical that real change can occur.  There's so much fear, so much mistrust that has built up over the years.  But if we choose to be bound by the past, we will never move forward.  And I want to particularly say this to young people of every faith, in every country -- you, more than anyone, have the ability to reimagine the world, to remake this world.

All of us share this world for but a brief moment in time. The question is whether we spend that time focused on what pushes us apart, or whether we commit ourselves to an effort -- a sustained effort -- to find common ground, to focus on the future we seek for our children, and to respect the dignity of all human beings.

It's easier to start wars than to end them.  It's easier to blame others than to look inward.  It's easier to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share.  But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path.  There's one rule that lies at the heart of every religion -- that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us.  (Applause.)  This truth transcends nations and peoples -- a belief that isn't new; that isn't black or white or brown; that isn't Christian or Muslim or Jew.  It's a belief that pulsed in the cradle of civilization, and that still beats in the hearts of billions around the world.  It's a faith in other people, and it's what brought me here today.

We have the power to make the world we seek, but only if we have the courage to make a new beginning, keeping in mind what has been written.

The Holy Koran tells us:  "O mankind!  We have created you male and a female; and we have made you into nations and tribes so that you may know one another."

The Talmud tells us:  "The whole of the Torah is for the purpose of promoting peace."

The Holy Bible tells us:  "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."  (Applause.)

The people of the world can live together in peace.  We know that is God's vision.  Now that must be our work here on Earth.

Thank you.  And may God's peace be upon you.  Thank you very much.  Thank you.  (Applause.)

END        
2:05 P.M. (Local)

My husband and I look nothing alike.  Nothing.  Hair color - different.  Eye color - different.  Skin tone - different.  Shape of face - different.  Build - different.  He has curly hair, I have straight hair.

Yet people see my children and say the following: 

He looks just like your husband!
They look exactly alike!
She looks just like her brother!
She looks exactly like you!
She has her father's face.
It's amazing how much they both look like you.

Check.  Check.  Check. Check.  Check.  Check.

They look alike.  They look like him.  They look like me.  He looks like me and she looks like him.  She looks like me and he looks like him.

Because my husband tends to be quieter than I am (ahem) and my daughter tends to be louder than anybody on the planet my son is, people tend to get into the same "Who are they like" game in terms of the kids' temperaments as well.  This is a dangerous game.  Mostly, it's not a good idea to squeeze your kids' identities into the confinement of pigeonholes.  I mean, our daughter's initials (and this is about as much information as I've ever disclosed here) are ADD.  Can you say "self-fulfilling prophecy"???  Why would we want to further pre-determine who they are going to be on their behalves?  Answer:  we don't.

It does appear true, however, that my son and I have a few significant personality traits in common.  One of those such traits has been a frequent topic of parental conversation and debate lately.  Like me, my son doesn't like direct competition.  When he feels as though he's being measured against anybody else, his anxiety gets in the way of his, for lack of better word, functioning.  For example, he has been learning lacrosse in a developmental league all spring, and has been loving it.  Despite not being a stupendous (not bad, just not exceptional) natural athlete, he's pretty good at lacrosse.  Nevertheless, come scrimmage time, he was miserable.  He found every reason in the world not to play.  His leg hurt, his helmet hurt, he was tired, he was thirsty, he was hot.  I wanted to throttle him.  I also wanted to scoop him up and take him home and feed him ice cream.  I get it.  I completely understand where he's coming from in these situations:  the thought of not measuring up to his own or others' expectations, or even hopes, is overwhelming.  He, like his mother, would prefer not to engage at all in any activity where this fear of letting other people down is a factor.  In this regard, our motto would be, "When the going gets tough, the tough get the hell out of Dodge."

And yet, he is the bravest kid I've ever known.  From the time he could understand what awaited him, he would offer up his arm without complaint for vaccinations and flu shots.  He didn't look back upon walking into a new preschool class for the first time.   He will eat anything...ANYTHING, which might not sound like a big deal but in contrast with his sister who has only eaten noodles and potato chips since 2005, this is the very definition of intrepid at our house. 

                                     

Last night I dragged him with me to a poetry reading for kids organized by a friend of mine who teaches fourth graders.  The coffee house was jammed with kids at least three years older than he is, he was exhausted after a long and freezing cold swimming practice, and I, having already conceded to the Burger King dinner, was not being cooperative in terms of purchasing the Cookie Monster Cupcake behind the bakery counter when I got my coffee.

At one point the teacher friend of mine, who just so happens to have had the good fortune to marry THIS one, challenged the people there to come up with a poem using four words proposed by the crowd.  And I'll be damned if the gorgeous little nervous kidlet o'mine didn't write himself a poem, raise his hand, go on up in front of fifty strangers, sit on a chair in front of the microphone, and recite his poem in front of god and everybody. 

Half an hour later, he presented me with another poem and asked if he could go up and read it, also.  Uh, Yeah. 

And he did. 

After I exploded with pride and cleaned up all my exploded bits and apologized to everybody for spraying them with bits of exploding maternal pride, I hugged my boy close to me loving the moment and the part of him that is so much not like me and not like his father but all his own. 



Sketch poem using the words wind, gray, rain, light

Wind makes gray clouds
Gray clouds make rain
Rain makes lightning
Lightning makes kids scream with joy.

I don't believe that Proposition 8 in California goes nearly far enough.  Therefore, I hereby put forth my own proposition, and perhaps even this shouldn't be limited to the state of California, but should become an amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America, because it's JUST THAT IMPORTANT.

Marriage is, at least insofar as it relates to the state and federal governments, an institution that brings with it a legal status entitling a person to certain benefits and privileges.  Similarly, a library card is an official document giving permission - which is like a legal right - for an individual to receive certain benefits and privileges,  namely the right to check out books, read magazines for free, and occasionally access the internet.

Borrowing from the arguments identified in a summary of the venerable Dr. James Dobson on the cleverly and imaginatively named website, "nogaymarriage.com," *  as evidence, 

I propose that library cards only be issued to heterosexuals. 


"Argument #1:  The implications for children in a world of decaying families are profound. A recent article in the Weekly Standard described how the advent of legally sanctioned gay unions in Scandinavian countries has already destroyed the institution of marriage, where half of today's children are born out of wedlock.

Scandinavians are socialists.  Everything that has anything to do with socialism is bad.  Therefore, anything Scandinavian is bad.  This includes Abba, Rykrisp crackers, and gay marriage.

It is predicted now, based on demographic trends in this country, that more than half of the babies born in the 1990s will spend at least part of their childhood in single-parent homes... If it continues, almost every child will have several "moms" and "dads," perhaps six or eight "grandparents," and dozens of half-siblings.

Everybody knows that more family is bad.  The more people there are who can support you and show you love, the more likely your ideology will be polluted with conflicting ideas.  Next thing you know, your kids will be socialists.  Gay socialists.

The apostle Paul described a similar society in Romans 1, which addressed the epidemic of homosexuality that was rampant in the ancient world and especially in Rome at that time. He wrote, "They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless" (v. 29-31, NIV).

It appears likely now that the demise of families will accelerate this type of decline dramatically, resulting in a chaotic culture that will be devastating to children.

I'm sure that the science and data behind this is sound, despite the fact that the website offers none as support.  But they wouldn't lie, would they?  I mean, hell, or rather, heck, they quote the bible! 

Now to my point:  Scandinavians offer library cards to homosexuals and we've all agreed that Scandinavia is a seething fiery pit of doom.  Also, if homosexuals are allowed to have library cards, too many people will be able to check library books out of the library and then the children might not be able to find Phyllis Shlafly's Big Book of Bigoted Rhymes and Decidedly NOT Fairy Tales when they want to.  This would be detrimental to children.  Lots of research shows this.  It's true.  I'm almost sure of it.

Argument #2
The introduction of legalized gay marriages will lead inexorably to polygamy and other alternatives to one-man, one-woman unions....

Why will gay marriage set the table for polygamy? Because there is no place to stop once that Rubicon has been crossed. Historically, the definition of marriage has rested on a bedrock of tradition, legal precedent, theology and the overwhelming support of the people. After the introduction of marriage between homosexuals, however, it will be supported by nothing more substantial than the opinion of a single judge or by a black-robed panel of justices. After they have done their wretched work, the family will consist of little more than someone's interpretation of "rights."

Those wretched judges.  Why should we entrust them to enforce the laws of the land and the interpretation of "rights."  We don't have "rights" anymore.  Dick Cheney took them all and hid them in his non-google-able bunker.  Instead of trusting these "black robed" - clearly a mark of the devil, wouldn't you say, judges, we should allow someone who speaks with a more reliable authority to tell us all what we can and can't do, like, for instance, Dr. James Dobson.  Or Scooby Doo.

Given that unstable legal climate, it is certain that some self-possessed judge, somewhere, will soon rule that three men and one woman can marry. Or five and two, or four and four. Who will be able to deny them that right? The guarantee is implied, we will be told, by the Constitution. Those who disagree will continue to be seen as hate-mongers and bigots. (Indeed, those charges are already being leveled against those of us who espouse biblical values!) How about group marriage, or marriage between relatives, or marriage between adults and children? How about marriage between a man and his donkey? Anything allegedly linked to "civil rights" will be doable. The legal underpinnings for marriage will have been destroyed.

What's to say, then, that some judicial activist wearing the devil's own garments will not hand out library cards to two adult women or two adult men in the same family?  Imagine the chaos.  What's to stop that same misguided judge, relying on nothing more substantial than a 250 year old piece of paper, from giving a library card to a donkey?  That would have a tragic effect on libraries around the country.  Have you ever seen what donkey poop can do to a library rug?  Besides, donkeys can't read.  Unless of course, the Abba-loving, Rykrisp noshing judges want to advocate teaching reading in schools...to donkeys.

Argument #3
An even greater objective of the homosexual movement is to end the state's compelling interest in marital relationships altogether. After marriages have been redefined, divorces will be obtained instantly, will not involve a court, and will take on the status of a driver's license or a hunting permit. With the family out of the way, all rights and privileges of marriage will accrue to gay and lesbian partners without the legal entanglements and commitments heretofore associated with it.

I think we can all see the clear logic of this argument, right?  It would be absurd for a government - responsible for the laws of the land - to treat their involvement in marriage, namely the part that has to do with laws and rights, as an issue of laws and rights. 

If governments were to issue library cards to non-heterosexuals, the door would be open to offering those same non-heterosexuals other rights and privileges of society, such as protection from the fire departments and police, the joy of paying taxes, and the possibility of a free and adequate education. 

Argument #4
With the legalization of homosexual marriage, every public school in the nation will be required to teach that this perversion is the moral equivalent of traditional marriage between a man and a woman. Textbooks, even in conservative states, will have to depict man/man and woman/woman relationships, and stories written for children as young as elementary school, or even kindergarten, will have to give equal space to homosexuals.

This argument about keeping the issuance of library cards a sacred privilege for heterosexuals practically makes itself, doesn't it?!  If gays are allowed to have library cards, they will be allowed unrestricted access to books, and therefore, knowledge, including the knowledge that we have fought so hard to keep out of the public schools - like how the world was created in seven days , dinosaurs are fictional, and how women are meant to be subject to men's wills.  Which is irrelevant if the gay couple is two men, but still...subversive ideas are subversive ideas!


Argument #5
From that point forward, courts will not be able to favor a traditional family involving one man and one woman over a homosexual couple in matters of adoption. Children will be placed in homes with parents representing only one sex on an equal basis with those having a mom and a dad. The prospect of fatherless and motherless children will not be considered in the evaluation of eligibility. It will be the law.

If homosexuals are granted access to libraries, they will be able to check out books.  If they fail to return these books and are delinquent in paying their fines, the libraries will suffer.  The law will, essentially, require that people do not return library books.  Probably, people will be encouraged to write in them.  In Scandinavian languages.

Argument #6
Foster-care parents will be required to undergo "sensitivity training" to rid themselves of bias in favor of traditional marriage, and will have to affirm homosexuality in children and teens.

Clearly, sensitivity is bad.  As is knowledge without the mitigating factor of intervention by fanatics with your best interests at heart.  If gays are allowed in libraries, librarians will have to learn how to pretend that gay people should be treated like non-gay people and to be able to deal with those gay people on a regular basis without becoming hysterical or despondent.  The cost of the counseling and treatment for these librarians would place an undue burden on the non-homosexual tax-paying public.

Argument #7
How about the impact on Social Security if there are millions of new dependents that will be entitled to survivor benefits? It will amount to billions of dollars on an already overburdened system. And how about the cost to American businesses? Unproductive costs mean fewer jobs for those who need them. Are state and municipal governments to be required to raise taxes substantially to provide health insurance and other benefits to millions of new "spouses and other dependents"?

It would be unreasonable to expect that tax-paying and hard working homosexuals receive the same economic benefit from our society as heterosexuals.  By the same token, if homosexuals  are allowed to check books out of the library, libraries will need to stock more books to accommodate the extra demand.  The cost of acquiring those extra books would be passed on to taxpayers and municipal governments.  The financial impact of this added book-buying burden could be devastating and could require that townships and counties go without critical services, like meter maids who hover nearby, waiting for your meter to expire while you race back to your car from Dunkin' Donuts because everybody knows that Dunkin' Donuts makes the best coffee.

Argument #8
Marriage among homosexuals will spread throughout the world, just as pornography did after the Nixon Commission declared obscene material "beneficial" to mankind.11 Almost instantly, the English-speaking countries liberalized their laws against smut. America continues to be the fountainhead of filth and immorality, and its influence is global...

Library use by homosexuals will be spread throughout the world, just as pornography did after the Nixon Commission declared obscene material, such as literature and art, beneficial to mankind.  And everybody knows that straight porn is the only kind of acceptable porn.  Gay porn is just weird.

Argument #9
Perhaps most important, the spread of the Gospel of Jesus Christ will be severely curtailed. The family has been God's primary vehicle for evangelism since the beginning.

Its most important assignment has been the propagation of the human race and the handing down of the faith to our children. Malachi 2:15 reads, referring to husbands and wives, "Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth" (NIV).

That responsibility to teach the next generation will never recover from the loss of committed, God-fearing families. The younger generation and those yet to come will be deprived of the Good News, as has already occurred in France, Germany and other European countries. Instead of providing for a father and mother, the advent of homosexual marriage will create millions of motherless children and fatherless kids. This is morally wrong, and is condemned in Scripture. Are we now going to join the Netherlands and Belgium to become the third country in the history of the world to "normalize" and legalize behavior that has been prohibited by God himself? Heaven help us if we do!

And also, God told me that he doesn't want homosexuals to read books.  He did. Therefore, giving library cards to homosexuals is morally wrong.  Because I said so.  I mean, God said so.  To me.  He did.  I promise.

Argument #10
The culture war will be over, and I fear, the world may soon become "as it was in the days of Noah" (Matthew 24:37, NIV). This is the climactic moment in the battle to preserve the family, and future generations hang in the balance.

This apocalyptic and pessimistic view of the institution of the family and its future will sound alarmist to many, but I think it will prove accurate unless-unless-God's people awaken and begin an even greater vigil of prayer for our nation. That's why Shirley and I are urgently seeking the Lord's favor and asking Him to hear the petitions of His people and heal our land.

As of this time, however, large segments of the church appear to be unaware of the danger; its leaders are surprisingly silent about our peril (although we are tremendously thankful for the efforts of those who have spoken out on this issue). The lawless abandon occurring recently in California, New Mexico, New York, Oregon, Washington and elsewhere should have shocked us out of our lethargy. So far, I'm alarmed to say, the concern and outrage of the American people have not translated into action.

This reticence on behalf of Christians is deeply troubling. Marriage is a sacrament designed by God that serves as a metaphor for the relationship between Christ and His Church. Tampering with His plan for the family is immoral and wrong. To violate the Lord's expressed will for humankind, especially in regard to behavior that He has prohibited, is to court disaster.

Finally, and in conclusion, giving library cards to homosexuals will result in the apocalypse.

The end.
















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